I broke up with my boyfriend because he doesnt love me.

But im ok with that. I just feel tired of even trying to love someone.

I've been feeling good. Powefull. Determined.

And today I woke up feeling like I was broken again.

Anxiety coming on stronger than ever. I want to cry for hours.

I had hope that I would get better, but it never seems enough. My life is great! right?

There are people suffering awful things. SO WHY am i the one feeling like that?

Believe me, im not your typical teenager, writing how depressed they feel like boh uh

i want attention. I just want to find myself.

cuz' my mind is so destroyed now that i cant think why am i even feeling like this

why do i feel so broken

i shouldnt

i have everything i could ask for

and i dnt even tho if anyone around me cares but I AM TIRED and i just want to feel normal again.

Like my life is actually working out pretty well.

And I act and I act ...but its never enough.

Happyness only depends on me, and me only, i know that for sure, i dnt need a boyfriend to feel happy or even attention to feel loved. But somehow my mind keeps telling me something is wrong.

If just ... it could all change, and i could be happy again, you know

im tired, just that.

I've been felling so sad lately,

Im so sensitive and emotional.

I've been listening to depressing music and cried all day.

My boyfriend looks so bored when he's with me, and idk what to do.

I really do love him. 

I feel like im going to die if i loose him.
But, i feel like i already am.

I dnt feel attractive. I feel like he's got no interesse on me.
Not even with makeup on, I feel pretty.

I feel fat.
and disgusting

hairy
and gross.

a mess

I stopped writting here because i got better.

I felt in love again. I started dating.

everything was fine. everything is fine.

So why these feelings keep coming back?

the same feelings that i try to fight back.

the need to feel the blades against my skin.

i havent cut myself in more than a month.

but the need is coming back.

i want to be hit by a car.

i want to stab a knife right through me.

cut myself until there's nothing more left, just blood.

yell.

cry.

throw up.

fall asslep and never wake up.

but i dont want to die, i promise you that.

i just want it to stop.

i want to be happy.

i try to

but it never seems enough.

im just depressed.

I don´t even know how to start these posts.

Today was awful. saturdays mean being home all day doing nothing..

I thought about everything and fuck it did'nt feel good.

I felt like throwing up all day, i ate a small lunch and nothing more.

I talked with my best friend about how i've been feeling lately. Told him how i got home

yesterday and cutted myself again. I actually felt bad because he got worried and yelled at me.

For as long as i can remember i've always felt numb, unless something out of the ordinary happens.

Like my best friend yelling at me, i felt bad for a moment.

But i've always felt empty. I've always thought that with time i would start to feel better, but i guess that never happened.
I tried to feel the gap with attention from my friends and family but i guess that is not enough. People always tell me "just think positively" or "see the good things in life" but its not that easy when the thing you hate the most in life is yourself.
Actually im too numb to hate myself today.
Im gonna go now, i need some rest.
Btw I wrote a Slam Poem 2 days ago, maybe tomorrow I will post it.